Today is the 4th day without grampa. I miss him already. I want to hug him, kiss him, and tell him that I love him, I know he is out there somewhere, so I'm gonna tell you Lolo, I love you.
Time does fly….fast. I wish you were still here.
For those of you who didn't know…..throughout my childhood, I used to stay at my grandparent’s house in the Philippines and I stayed there for fifteen long years, It was pretty much where I grew up.
When you look into his eyes, it’s hard not to wonder what stories he has to tell and what he has gone through in life; from hardships, joys, ups and downs of life. If we just had more time, I would have taken the time to listen to you ramble about your youth.
When you look at his hands, every wrinkle, fold, and line; you know that he has worked hard all his life. You can’t help but to connect his life’s work to every groove and line in his hands. He is a man who likes to work with hands, from being a soldier, to being a teacher, and to being a farmer.
I can’t help but think about the days when I used to take him for granted. I can still recall clearly that many times during my childhood days, I would be lazy to help him with the chores at home, to water his plants, to scratch his back, etc. I feel awful. I admit that I was once an immature child but people change. Children get older. The young ones mature just like how I believe I matured in the past few years. If I were given another chance to see Lolo one more time, I would hug him as tightly as I can. I don’t care if I get emotional. Lolo deserves to know how much I appreciated him. I want to tell him how much he meant to me, I will set aside my being reserved as a person, so I would be able to say as much.
For me, I have never been comfortable kissing, or even saying “I love you” to other people and don’t bother asking me why. I don’t know either.. or rather, I have an idea why but I think that is another story for another time.
During his last days, even though he couldn’t hear and see me anymore, I would say I love you a hundred times whenever I had the chance. He is really dear to me, they used to say that I am my grandparent’s 11th child, although my parents were active participants in raising me, I was left in the care of my grandparents. You know what they say about growing up with the grandparents, they say you’re going to be spoiled. No, I am not spoiled, okay maybe a little, but I know how to wash the dishes, sweep the floor, how to clean my own room, how to cook, how to wash my own clothes, and how to work damn hard when I was in school. So…….my parents decide to give me gifts for it, I don't ask, but they insist. They think I deserve it.
Going back to the topic about Lolo, I vaguely remember this one time when I was in High School, I came home late, and when I entered the front door, a piece of watermelon hit my face…out of nowhere, and figured out later that it was Lolo who threw that piece of watermelon. Imagine an old half paralyzed man throwing a piece of watermelon from a distant and in his wheelchair. It hit me right on this spot right here. I knew he was the one who threw the watermelon because he started yelling about how late I got home and stuff, I was furious at that time, ‘cus he didn’t give me the chance to explain. Now, I realized how he cares about me, that he gets mad like a dad, he yells like a mother, he worries like a parent. He loves me.
He has given up so much to provide for his family. Job to job just to make ends meet and to raise his family. He has done everything for them, not only has he provided for his children, but for his grandchildren as well. He always knows the right things to say and make us laugh when we needed it.
He has a gentle and caring heart underneath a hard exterior to protect us.
It felt like it was the first time I ever felt real pain and loss; I was really close to him. I remember the last moments I spent with him while his body laid on the death bed. He had tubes all over the place and had trouble breathing even with the oxygen mask. His well-grown potty belly wasn't there anymore 'cus he didn't eat for weeks, he died hungry. I was completely powerless, unable to do anything but stand there and be there with him while I could. I hope you’re doing alright, Lolo. I love you, always remember that. I don’t want to say goodbye, but instead I’ll say, I’ll see you later.
